It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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