Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
