he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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