He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
His hands were made for my vagina.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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