mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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