Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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