if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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