I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
