I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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