PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
