I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I need to stop coming to work sober
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
