Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
