have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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