You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
