no, he came in my armpit
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
