Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
