I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
