you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
