i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
