I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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