I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
