Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
