Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
