Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
