I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
