I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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