i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize