I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There's a naked man in my car right now.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
