I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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