i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
