he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just invented taco cereal.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He? As in you personified your dick?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
