We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
