Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
