Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
