My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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