he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
