got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
