the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
