I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
