sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
this is an emotional support booty call
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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