My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
