This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
