It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
