do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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