You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
