My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize