During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
