Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
