I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
