U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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