I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
