five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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