You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
