I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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