Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
