You made me cry and you don't even care
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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