Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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