take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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