No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
